"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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