goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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