I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
please come you make the beer taste better
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
