im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
