I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
