May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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