So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
