Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
