So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
