i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
and you fell through a lawn chair
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
