im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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