just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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