I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
