I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
