speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Randomize
