proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
