drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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