Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize