I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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