good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
