When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
