I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
