I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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