I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
