Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
