Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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