the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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