You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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