Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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