Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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