So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
