Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
