life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This is not my ceiling
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
