she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
