I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
