He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
