This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
