how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
