if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
