apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My boob is missing a layer of skin
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
