I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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