you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
