you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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