I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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