Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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