i used baking grease as lip gloss
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize