She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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