I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
