I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
