This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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