You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
