Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
