you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
