apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
