You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
