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I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
