She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
home. puking in laundry basket.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize